Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
