I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
