Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
