Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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