if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
