Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
