the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
