Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
