apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
