Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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