Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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