I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
