can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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