just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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