Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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