Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
