i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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