Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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