please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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