K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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