WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
