there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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