Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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