My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
