he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
