I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
