I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
