i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
