There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
send nudes
from the living room?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
