So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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