didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
