I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
please come you make the beer taste better
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
