i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
