I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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