Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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