I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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