If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
