I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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