This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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