That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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