I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
