Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
