you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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