I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
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His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
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New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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