I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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