my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
