i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
