I accidentally had phone sex last night
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dignity is for republicans.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
