dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
