i can't believe i had my finger in that
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
