It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
