I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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