Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
3 2 1 whiskey
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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