just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
then he tried to convert me to islam
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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