I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
