If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
