she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
