His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
